Tag Archives: Relationships

My Couples Love Language Profile

So a while back, I decided to take that love language quiz everyone had been talking about. These quizzes may not always be accurate but they are fun and sometimes they make you see yourself in a new light. This one is about my love language in relationships.
Interpreting and Using Your Profile Score:

The highest score indicates your primary love language – how you really understand your partner’s expressions of love. It’s common to have two high scores (the highest score being 12), although one language tends to have a slight edge for most people. The lower scores in your profile indicate those languages you seldom use to communicate love and which probably don’t affect you on an emotional level in your relationship.

8 Quality Time
7 Acts of Service
7 Physical Touch
4 Receiving Gifts
4 Words of Affirmation

Quality Time
In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there – with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby – makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful. Quality Time also means sharing quality conversation and quality activities.

Acts of Service
Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter. Finding ways to serve speaks volumes to the recipient of these acts.

Physical Touch
This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face – they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive. Physical touch fosters a sense of security and belonging in any relationship.

Receiving Gifts
Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous – so would the absence of everyday gestures. Gifts are visual representations of love and are treasured greatly.

Words of Affirmation
Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important – hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten. Kind, encouraging, and positive words are truly life-giving.

Understand Your Love Language

Knowing how you prefer to be loved is important for your relationship. It’s romantic to think your partner should just know how to love you—but it’s also a bit unrealistic, and can even be unfair to expect something from your partner if you’re not willing to tell him/her how you prefer to be loved and appreciated in your relationship.

How accurate is all of this? Honestly I am a bit surprised at the order of my scores. Okay, so the quiz was very accurate about my desire for quality time. I need it to function in a relationship. Without it I feel used and unimportant. That leads to hurt and anger. And then…well, I become very defensive and not so nice to the one who made me feel this way. Adding sex to the mix just magnifies those feelings. Be it for the short or long term, I am not a booty call. On a side note, it really isn’t okay for me to mask pain with anger, even if not on purpose, but that’s a post for another day.

I was surprised to find acts of service so high up on the list. I am aware of the tendency to want to do things for someone I have feelings for, but I never really thought about how it makes me feel when that person wants to do things for me. It is much appreciated but then I usually end up feeling guilty for accepting the offer to help lighten the load of responsibilities. Yeah, I know, that doesn’t make sense. Women and girls in my family were taught to be independent and self-sufficient, never to be damsels in distress, to not need a partner to do anything we were capable of doing ourselves. Perhaps that is why I see acts of service as a nice gesture as opposed to an expression of love when I am on the receiving end. But my views are changing now. If a submissive can show love with acts of service, why would the meaning change should the Dominant choose to do the same? Oh and for the record, broken commitments really do hurt me. However, that translates more as quality time rather than acts of service to me. That’s why I try not to make promises I cannot keep.

Physical touch is exactly where it should be on that list. I am a very touchy-feely person. There is nothing like big hands, strong arms, warm hugs, skin to skin contact without the expectation of sex…although that is always a plus.

I am not too sure where I stand on the idea of receiving gifts. Thoughtful gestures mean much more to me than flashy material items. Missed birthdays or holidays do sadden me but I wouldn’t call it disastrous. Although it does melt my heart to be acknowledged on special days because it lets me know that I am cared for. I just don’t want to be forgotten about. If I do receive a small material item, I cherish it because I am a bit sentimental at times. Words of affirmation aren’t usually a big deal to me. People say a lot of things…and I am not one to trust words alone. TELL ME AND SHOW ME so that I will understand.

At times it can be difficult to find the balance between personal desires and what is best for the relationship. But I think it is fair to say that most of the time one’s partner wants what’s best for them and for the relationship. While I feel it is important to let my partner know my love language, I would never want to do it in a way that belittles them. I wouldn’t want to hurt them or start a fight. I want to love my partner in a way they understand, whether or not they take the survey. If we speak completely different love languages, I feel it is my responsibility to intentionally find ways to speak their love language consistently. Now, this is where the golden rule comes in to play. Unless I am told different, I will assume that the love shown me is probably how my partner wants to be loved.

Love Language Quiz for Couples:

http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/couples/

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Monday Morning Rant

So I found this in my email inbox this morning. I was very tempted to post the link but that would probably make me look like an instigator, which is not my intention. However, I will share a quote because this is my space to write my feelings out.

“Do you think that it is necessary or perhaps more fitting for your daughter/little girl to be in a specific (actual) age range and/or in a specific range of body types?

I’ve seen so many daughters/babygirls that I just can’t take seriously..I understand that it is roleplay and we’re not looking for an actual baby, nor looking for an actual underage teen girl BUT, quite frankly, an obese babygirl/daughter is not at all credible in my eyes, neither is a 40/50 yo. playing little girl. In my opinion there must be some physical/age standards too (and mind that the range I find likable is quite wide). Am I alone in this thought? I think daughters/babygirls would be laughing in your face if you’re younger, smaller and weaker and shorter than your girl and you want her to call you daddy, it’s ridiculous.”

This is disgusting behavior to me! It is okay for one to have preferences but it is not okay to be rude and to invalidate someone because you say they cannot be a ____ because they don’t meet your ridiculous standards for what is and isn’t acceptable.

1. “I’ve seen so many daughters/babygirls that I just can’t take seriously.”

It bothers me when terms like daughter and son are used to refer to the caretaker/little dynamic because it implies that people in these dynamics have incestuous desires. Words like babygirl or babyboy are more like terms of endearment in my opinion.

2. “I understand that it is roleplay…”

For many caretakers/littles, including myself, this is not role play. It is a part of who we are.

3. “…an obese babygirl/daughter is not at all credible in my eyes, neither is a 40/50 yo. playing little girl.”

Why not? Babygirls/babyboys and littles come in all ages and sizes and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Apparently someone is paying too much attention to outside appearances, rather than what really matters, the heart. I expect nothing less from someone so shallow. By the way, this guy is 25. Some people around my age have a lot of growing up to do. But then, ignorance and immaturity come in all ages.

4. “I think daughters/babygirls would be laughing in your face if you’re younger, smaller and weaker and shorter than your girl and you want her to call you daddy, it’s ridiculous.”

No, people who know better will be laughing in your face when they see how ridiculous you are. Oh and, keep insulting people if you want them to take you seriously. That’s the way to build meaningful friendships and long-lasting relationships. Note the sarcasm.

Okay, I am finished ranting.

You Are Monogamous and Your Partner Is Poly?

I have no idea how to create those fancy links where a word or phrase leads to an article, so please bear with me here.
An email from Submissive Guide caught my eye this morning.

http://www.submissiveguide.com/2015/02/identifying-as-monogamous-in-a-poly-dynamic/

With all the poly discussion I have been having with a close friend lately, and with one of my favorite shows nearing its season finale, I needed to research this myself. The term “Mono/Poly” isn’t something I am familiar with but the concept does make sense. Google to the rescue! I came across this article.

https://www.morethantwo.com/polyformonogamouspeople.html

I thought it was full of valuable information. One quote really stood out to me.

“Love may be infinite, at least in theory, but time and resources are not.”

Whether you are poly or monogamous, this statement is true. None of this changes how I feel about poly for myself, but it does help me understand how some identify as Monogamous in a poly dynamic. It has also given me information for more clarification for my list of hard limits. The clearer the better, right? So why am I sharing this? I am sharing just to wake your brain up, to make you think. These are heavy thoughts for a sleepy Monday. 🙂 And in case you were wondering, this is the favorite show I mentioned.

http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sister_Wives

Because I can’t find the right link on TLC’s website.

When I Was Vanilla

THIS IS NOT MY WRITING.
It is something I found on Fet when I first joined. It opened my eyes to the person I was before I learned of D/s. It helped me understand what I was feeling and craving back then, but did not know how to ask for.

Joy, I told you that I would find it again and share it.

When I was vanilla I fell in love with a man and my skin went ablaze. I felt his nearness create hives on my skin, nervous energy had me twitching as he came close, and my own throat betrayed me when trying to form words.

When I was vanilla I surrendered to this feeling. I drove 140km an hour because I could not get to him fast enough. I didn’t care he was older, I didn’t care if people didn’t see the match. I loved those knowing crinkled eyes, I loved the calm against my storm.

When I was vanilla I started to fill my fridge with things he liked. It didn’t cost much but I wanted him to feel at home, I wanted him happy. I wanted to be good for him.

When I was vanilla I would watch the clock to see when he would get home. I’d make my time count so that I had time for the gym, friends, errands, and be there in time to fix myself up a bit and meet him. When he walked through those doors whatever little stresses I had were gone. With him I wanted moments not the mundane.

When I was vanilla his work sometimes brought him home at 3 am. More often than not I would be awake for him. He never asked but date night would start then. I’d lay a towel out for him so he could shower. When he was done, there would be a blanket laid out before the TV with wine, cheese, crackers, some fruit, and me. The first time I did that he gave me the most peculiar look and said “Where did you come from? You know, other girls don’t do that” I laughed and said “How am I supposed to know what other girls do”

When I was vanilla we would walk hand in hand, but sometimes his hand would wander to my neck. Without breaking our stride his fingers and thumb would gently clasp around the back of it, leading me. In those moments I’d melt while at the same walking taller, feeling stronger and more beautiful than just seconds before. I doubt he sensed what beautiful turmoil that hand could engineer in me.

When I was vanilla having even great sex sometimes just wasn’t enough. I wanted to be stitched together only to be ripped apart. Needed to have the mind played with along with the nipple or the skin. Wanted him to look into my darkest corners and call them pretty. Wanted to break out into giggles at our badness, or childish selfishness for one another. Wanted to see the beast behind the man, knowing I would kiss it’s wet nose after it had finished destroying me.

When I was vanilla we would cuddle often. I would have my head in his lap and wanted to melt into it, it felt so good. Sometimes by some unknown puppet strings I would crawl across it until my stomach pressed against his lap, ass in the air, my head on my hands. Frozen there I would be waiting for something that never came.

When I was vanilla sometimes the world would end. I would have to go looking for my heart in the blood and guts of my stomach or wedged inside my throat. Tears would flow bitterly and solace would come eventually through sheer exhaustion. Those tears were cried for things that had been promised but not done. Promises made both big and small that were forgotten or dismissed for bigger or more important things. Someone else had demanded more or asked louder and others needs were more pressing. Sometimes his own comfort was more important, sometimes it just slipped his mind…..

Those times I realized I might not be his prized girl after all, just a pretty thing that happened to be there.

When I was vanilla I told the truth. When asked I was an open book. I wanted to be known and researched, wanted to explore and hunt for truths right back. But things were often left unsaid. That is when I discovered unsaid things create a special kind of pain.

When I was vanilla I wanted to be lead by this man. Someone confirm to me it is not so strange to have a will, a pulse, and a fire inside and yet hand it over in a chosen moment, because you can, because you think it will bring joy, because your heart is strong enough to beat outside your own chest. Tell me it’s not strange, because he certainly thought it was.

When I was vanilla, I wasn’t vanilla at all….I was a submissive without a dominant.

https://fetlife.com/users/3198135/posts/2247994

Why I Cannot Do Poly

So far, the majority of people I have come across in the D/s community are either looking for, or already a part of a poly relationship. Some seem very happy. Others not so much. On quite a few occasions I had the chance to talk to people who were in poly relationships. The conversations were great because I was able to understand their views and why that type of relationship worked for them. But at some point in my pursuit of knowledge, I had to stop and ask myself some of the same questions I had been asking them. It is clear to me now more than ever that I cannot do poly.

Yes, I am a sub. Yes, love and relationships can exist in many different forms. Yes, I do trust my Sir but that’s just it. He is MY SIR.

It would be a lie to say that I would not be jealous. I would not be comfortable knowing that the reason my Daddy Dom was not with me, was because he was with another. The thought of some other girl intimately hugging

touching

snuggling

kissing

pleasing my Sir, my Daddy…

It irks me.

No, it would not help to think of the other woman as a sister. To me a sister is a best friend. My sister or best friend would not sleep with my man, and I would not sleep with hers.

I cannot do poly because I am very territorial. I love too hard and fall too deep. I care too much and if some girl broke my Daddy’s heart, all shyness and caution would be thrown to the wind, and I would be ready to break her face. I don’t want to feel like I have to compete with someone else; I had enough of that as a child. I don’t want to feel like I have been replaced or devalued. Abandonment issues will do that to you.

I need to know that Sir is happy with me as his only, that I am the one who has made Daddy smile. I need to know that I am enough.

Call me crazy, possessive, insecure or selfish if you like, but I know myself. It may work fine for some but I know it is not for me. That is one thing I don’t need to try out to be sure.

I don’t want to share my Daddy. I want him to myself.

My love

My Sir

My heart

My Daddy

Mine!

This post is not meant to offend anyone or tell them how they should run their relationship. Please understand that in no way am I saying that poly is wrong. However, I am saying that poly is wrong for me.